| I hate the blocks |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|11:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kid Cudi - Sky Might Fall | ] |
I hate being stuck, especially when I have an idea and I lose it close to it's finish. I hate having better creativity when it comes to the next person. I hate the fact the whenever I work on something for myself I quit because I think nobody else is going to see my work. I hate the fact that other peoples motivation and creations bring me down. I hate the fact that I'm easily unmotivated. I hate the fact that I have work that you haven't seen. I hate the way that I dwell on how I could be better instead of pushing myself to do it. I hate thinking what other people think of me. I hate the fact that presentations aren't how I originally visualized them from the beginning. I hate the fact that if I want to be heard to has to be under 140 characters. I hate the fact that everybody wants to be better then me in particular. I hate having to spend money just to put a smile on my face sometimes. I hate that people achieve better then me. I hate the way how people pretend like they don't have a problem in the world. I hate the way how people pretend like they don't have a care in the world. I hate the things that people do to you to make them feel superior. I hate the things people do to me to make them feel superior. I hate how people have better birthdays then me. I hate using the word "hate". I hate the fact that I have to use this word to get my point across. I hate the fact that this entry will never be finished.
Notes
1. This is about breaking lose of my photographer's/writer's block that's been stopping me for the past few months. This entry is not geared towards anyone, the only person it's geared towards is myself.
2. Written in 7 minutes.
3. Break lose from what's stopping you, only person stopping you is yourself.
-naokai/bkaii |
|
|
| Intervention |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|10:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Yuzo Koshiro - Getufu (from Shinobi III) | ] |
When I look at us today, I don't know how we came to where we are today. I don't know where we fell apart, and I don't think we know how to say that without fingers being pointed at someone. It has been a difficult year for me and I don't think you understand that when I see you fall, I fall as well. I want to see that there are people that do care about you and that you cannot always push them away or mistreat them. I wanted to give up on you from time to time but my blood won't let me, because with what little we have we should stick together but you make it that much easier to let go. I don't know why you always act like the world owes you something, I wish you could see the world in someone else's shoes preferably mine. Mitch Hedberg once said "Go inside my head and tell me I'm wrong", I wish you thought about that. I can't stand the fact that we used to be better then this, and you say that there was nothing wrong and if there were that it would be my fault. I don't like this, nor do I like talking like this. But it's time for me to stand up and tell you that you need to change, not for me but for everybody else. Anybody that forgets their mothers frustrations is not seeing the world the way I should be. I hate to see her disappointed and so would the next person, and so would you. If you can't change for yourself, or for me, do it for her, please. I don't want to see her hurt anymore, but you can't see it because it's behind closed doors. This has got to stop.
Notes
1. This was originally suppose to be finished by the first of November but never saw the light of day because I have severe writer's block. I was originally going to gained motivation to write about it on the first, but it that motivation turned sour when he didn't want help at all. At least for now.
2. How do you write about someone that feels that they have done nothing wrong to the world? That is a tale that has to be told another day.
3. This draft was originally written shortly after watching the first episode of DJ AM's "Gone Too Far". I imagined myself if the family's position, now I understand why it's so hard for them to speak to them face to face.
-naokai/bkaii |
|
|
| Legacies |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Michael Jackson - You Are My Life | ] |
I would love to meet most if not all of my favorite musicians, who wouldn't? And I'd say that so far I'm doing a pretty decent job. If I have not met my favorite musician, then I have met an artist associated with them. Unfortunately, I will not be able to meet a few artists that have already passed on but have will always remain as legends. Earlier this year, prizm and I were fortunate enough to have a one-on-one with the younger brother late J Dilla/Jay Dee. Meeting him made me feel closer Dilla as if we'd had met before. Illa J (J Dilla's younger brother) treated us with the most respect because we approached not as a celebrity, but as a individual and because of that we gained a friend. That was one of the most important moments in my musically history, to become close to the family made as accepted as anybody can be. That being said, we all felt the same Michael Jackson passed on, no different no worse. Like I said, you cannot portray yourself as Michael's biggest fan when you the next person feels the exact same as you do. I could not be one of the lucky ones to attend Michael's memorial and I was annoyed by the overnight fans he had playing the 3 songs as they would on the radio. I wanted to see him before I died, I would've loved to see his This Is It concert, but it's never going to happen. I thought all hope was lost, until recently. I accidentally ran into The mother of The Jackson 5 (and Janet/LaToya Jackson), Katherine Jackson herself. We did say anything verbal to each other, it was all physical. A simple wave and a smile from both parties. Sounds innocent enough? Here's why it was special to me: she had a straight face. I felt so much strength from her, I felt like Michael was there when I saw her. We were all touched by his music, and devastated by his death. Millions if not bllions of people were hurt by the lost of Michael Jackson. Crying, constant tributes and memorials, but NOBODY on this earth felt the way this woman before did. The woman that gave birth to the Greatest Entertainer Alive. For her to look at me to smile showed me that everything will be alright. If this woman, could brighten up your spirit just by looking at her, why should the rest the world still be devastated by his loss? We have celebrate his life, but I think a numbers of fans are getting the wrong idea. As of today, besides my mother: Katherine Jackson is the strongest woman I have ever met. Thank you.
"Someone asked me if I was the mother of Michael Jackson, I replied saying Yes I am the mother of the JACKSON 5." - Katherine Jackson
Notes
1. Draft written the night before "This Is It" premiered, but as a last minute decision I decided not to post it because I felt that everybody might have been annoyed with me speaking from Michael Jackson. I don't know why I waited so long.
2. For those who have not seen it, "Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT" is a brilliant movie that you would want to see over and over again, even if you are not a Michael Jackson fan.
3. Photo taken was archived from a previous session never really released.
-naokai/bkaii |
|
|
| Sleepyhead |
[Sep. 18th, 2009|04:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Emil & Friends - Sleepyhead (Passion Pit cover) | ] |
"Sleepyhead" is the name of a song from indie group Passion Pit, a song that the lead singer had written about for his girlfriend at the time. Emil & Friends did a rework for the song as well. "Sleepyhead" was alright to me, but the title fitted the description of my grandmother at the time. Not the lyrics itself, but the melody of it stuck to me. I coincidentally played it from her last days to her funeral. She kept saying "I'm so tired", but all I thought was "go to sleep sleepyhead, you need to rest". Even to this day, I cannot listen to it without thinking about her. I guess you could say that the melody of the song made me prepare for that day.
Notes
1. Posted 6 months after her death
2. Originally posted on flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/naokai/3480688247/
-naokai/bkaii |
|
|
| Happy 10th Anniversary Dreamcast! |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|09:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sega - Sonic Adventure - At Dawn | ] |
9/08/99 was my first day of high school, I didn't really care much about the thrill of being in high school with the it crowds and what not, I was just looking forward to the next day. So excitment of being in high school didn't hit me until way later. I remember being woken up the next morning by my mom, but I thought it was a dream (parents were separated at the time), so I went back to sleep. But she woke up again so come to find out this was real, and behind her was the Sega Dreamcast. Even though I had saved my whole summer just to get it, my mother woke me up at 4 in the morning just to see that look on my face (since my parents were separated). But I had my second day of school 4 hours away, but that didn't mean I couldn't be more anxious to come home and play more Soul Calibur. Even to this day I never let go of my Dreamcast, and even up to now that was one of the primary reasons. I still think it is the (if not one of the) consoles ever made, it had the best arcade ports. You'll never see Sega and Capcom work again like that EVER again. I love Sega Dreamcast, I wish it would have lasted longer.
-naokai/bkaii |
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|
| Survivor |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|09:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | J Dilla - Time | ] |
I can fight this... no I can't. I don't need this, maybe I do. She makes me feel so good, then again I don't need the circumstances that comes with her. Who can tolerate her? I try my best to be with her for long as I can. But all she does is ask more from me, she wants me to around her all day and night. Everytime I get away from her, she's all that I could think about. It makes me weak thinking about how long I need her, I need her like she's my crutch. I'd do anything to see her, but my peers tell me that shes no good and that she'll kill me. Who needs friends like that who aren't supportive of me? Why don't they believe me? I don't need them, she's all I need. But my peers don't want to see me fall, so she's my best kept secret as I am to her. Because nobody makes me feel good like she does, because she understands me like nobody else ever will. What was I thinking to have her out of my life? I would've done anything for her, until I saw someone else fall for her. I'm not jealous, because she's the only one for me.. but he said he was. I saw this guy in front of me who can't tell the difference between desperate and depressed. This man asked me if I could give him some change to impress this girl, and when he said her name a part of me died. His eyes told me that he would do anything for her, I was seeing myself in his eyes. That moment I realized that she makes everybody feel good, she loves being the center of attention even if it killed them. I got my knees and look at the sky to ask myself who I was. I heard a roar from the sky and it started to rain on me, as I become drenched by the signs talking to me I had an epiphany. I don't need her, he can have her. As he sat in the sidewalk crying because she was his medication, anything I said to him wouldn't matter to him. What was I thinking? Was I addicted? I am so sorry to everybody I let down, she would been the end of me. I could fight this. I am stronger then her, nobody controls me. If anybody knows me, it's me and nobody else to tell me to change. But I wonder what she's doi..... Who cares? This is going to take a while.
Even though she was the light in front of me, I could always close my eyes.
Notes
1. Inspired by Rick James's "Mary Jane"
2. Entirely written while walking (not underwater)
-naokai/bkaii (for jAMm - DJAM/michaeljackson) |
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| The Polygamy of Musique: Musiques Worst Year (Year 3) |
[Aug. 29th, 2009|01:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | (silence) | ] |
2009 has been a depressing year for musique. With nothing being released by my heroes and for me to keep back tracking on my oldies makes it a year for something not to look forward to. I would like to make an apology to myself, prizm, and to everybody else that has been following us on the tables. I had a mixer malfunction also with no new material being released this year (on wax especially) all the more stressful. Relying on our previous heroes never seems to fail, but it leaves the up and coming artists with a slimmer fate, but with today's music can you blame yourself? And I should be playing since 80% of our fan base are females. Next year, most of my favorite heroes are releasing new material. I can't say who, it'll ruin the surprise. But I guarantee by then more collaborating, it's been a really slow year (even on wax). As this has been musiques hardest year. It was amazing to meet Murs, Illa J (J Dilla's brother), DJ QBert, Sparklehorse and Danger Mouse. Even though I admire Danger Mouse, meeting Illa J meant more to me because he spoke to me and Illa as if we were friends and respected us for being fans of his brother's music. But I think people forgot what music was about until Michael died, because that was when we realized that icons can die. I can't watch his "This is it" announcement without reading into what he saying as if he's saying good-bye. I remember it was bad to be a fan of his, now everybody is his number one fan out of nowhere. Where were you when the media captured anything positive of him? It's alright, tough question. I hope next year becomes better. This year was so disappointing. There's nothing more I could say about this year.
-naokai/bkaii
Michael Jackson
8/29/58 - 6/25/09
DJ AM
3/30/73 - 8/28/09 |
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|
| Critics |
[Aug. 27th, 2009|06:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breakbot - Heroes Mix | ] |
"It's somebody who can't do what you can do, so they want to criticize you on yo shit." - Martin Lawrence
You know that old saying "Everybodies a critic"? It's no question that it's fact, pretty much a no brainer. Personally, I'm not one for accepting negative feedback, nor am I one be the one to impress people so it's not a biggie to me. I'm not one for basing my interests on other people's reviews (unless they are friends, trusted and not biased). Everybody is entitled to their opinions, but I can't help get frustrated at how the next persons opinion has to be superior to yours. It seems like the older I am getting, the more is how negative the world (I'm not trying to shine, I do it too at times). I don't know why people feel like they have to be on top of you, we all live different lifestyles that's why. I'm a very appreciative person but even if I don't like it, they did it.. you gotta give them that. People these days aren't appreciative of anything, nothing is good enough for them. Your opinion is always becomes a void, with the impression that you have no taste in anything. Criticized for liking what you like only to be the biggest fan behind closed doors. Do we really agree with what they say sometimes or are we so scared sometimes that we need to be accepted no matter what? Why is it the hardest thing to be original? To be original and say this is me and this is what I like. Because most of us don't work to be seen as mutants. It's harder for artists, which is why I never expose my work for insight. I know what's crowd pleasing and what is not, but like I said earlier: I am not one to impress people. I keep my work and achievements to myself so I could acknowledge and reward myself for trying. I do not glorify myself as something phenomenal, but I get critical advice from whoever in the most blunt way possible so it feels like my time and attempt has been wasted. It's one thing if it's not your taste, but it's more intense when it is what they are into and they get offended by your effort. Everybody wants to be the best at something or on top, or let's say "critically acclaimed". I am not one of those people. There is nobody better then you, you are better then nobody else, that's how you have to when you are making your masterpiece (or that's how I like to think it at least). So who are you aiming to impress? It better not for somebody else. And it better not be for yourself either.
Critics called this entry...
"POINTLESS" - The Wasting Time Post
"An faulty and inaccurate piece with no resources" - The LA LA Times
"3 stars.. oh we forgot the negative" - Not Very Fair Magizine
naokai/bkaii (written on 8-19-09) |
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|
| Photographer's Block: A year on Pro-Life |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|04:55 am] |
It's been about one year now since I've had my D-SLR (still not saying model number), but I still use my CyberShot every once in a while. I kinda got my signature "naokai touch" onto my photos, but not on myself. The person that originally gave me the camera admitted that he's never seen anybody do shots that I have done in one year, because my style of photos is not traditional. Basically that I was unique. I don't have control issues anymore, but more like the ideas that I want to bring in the piece requires a different kind of control. Everything that you are seeing is what I learned everything by myself. I just watch camera equipment was cheaper, it cost thousands of dollars for the perfect .jpg, I'll pass on that and work with what I have. I got involved with studio style photography, and it's fun but I don't think I want to make it a profession, I'm more of a outdoors-man who believes in magic tricks. I have had all kinds of crazy offers and opportunities ever since I got my D-SLR, most of them I rejected due to the fact that the expectation was too high. But what I really need to do is take more photos of myself, like how I used to. But like I said, control. I can't present what I want on the D-SLR because they always become one of those "it's good enough" photos, not primarily what I want. Remember, creativity comes from the mind, not with your hands. I don't know if the world cares that I am a _ _ _ _ _ user, because I'm not trying to be somebody. For now, let's call it.. acceptance.
( Highlights from May - August )
Notes
1. Although not based on favoritism, prizm has been my primary model due to opportunity based and creative deliverance.
2. P-9 was not used by my camera, but with a another D-SLR.
-naokai/bkaii |
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| Theatrical reason (Some time later) |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|01:45 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | annual | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Shining - Movie Trailer Music | ] |
You know what I realized about the movies? I think the older you get, the less you want to watch them with a bunch of rowdy strangers. Now that I'm growing up I realized that I don't like to be in noisy crowds. That goes for obnoxiously dedicated fans at concerts down to ridiculously loud and attention needed movie viewers. I miss out on alot of summer movie blockbusters because I want to hear the movie and have a good time with film, not have fun by having other people yelling their own soundtrack/dialogue with it as well. Am I getting old or am I just being stubborn/picky when it goes to movie viewing? I try my absolute best not download movies because I support all movie companies. I support movies as much I do music, but they've both been lacking dramatically down to the point that we rely on remakes and sampling just to bring the audience now-a-days. I remember watching The Dark Knight for the first late last year (I did not watch it in theaters), even watching that movie I could hear the audience yelling and screaming at the magic pencil trick, I had goosebumps watching that scene because I could hear everybody going crazy about that. Great movie, would've loved the IMAX. I even heard that IMAX re-release was more annoying with everybody residing The Joker's lines. But it's OK, I have my preferences just like the next person. I watched the movie below with one other person, and there was no other person in the theater. I thought that was fun. If you can't watch a movie by yourself, then there's nothing wrong watching it with another person (or a few friends) Siskel & Ebert style (or Ebert or Roper, however you prefer).
Notes
1. As of this moment (by the time this entry has been written) the only movie I'm waiting for is the movie version of Daft Punk's Alive 2007 Tour.... "if you know what I'm talking about".
-naokai/bkaii
Reference
1st Showing: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/48363.html
2nd Showing: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/67225.html |
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| Hydro: "A Place Without No Name" |
[Jul. 29th, 2009|09:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No.9 - After It | ] |
There's no doubt about it that I have had a stressful year so far, and it's not even over yet. And the next few month is not something to look forward to either. I told myself that this year would be about rediscovery, and so far it has been a year to rediscover anguish and learning how to pull through with it. With the world pushing me by it's undisputed force, I feel into the one place I knew they couldn't, the last they expected. Even this year has been nothing but hardships, struggles and heartaches... believe it or not this is the first time I forgot about it.
( Welcome Back )
Notes
1. "A Place Without No Name" (or "A Place with no name", nobody knows the real name yet) is the name of a unreleased song by Michael Jackson which hit the internet recently after his passing. The song is only released in snippets so there is no real full song to it by the time this entry was written.
2. The line "I don't feel like Carrie anymore." was taken reference that I had just watched the cult classic horror film "Carrie" for the first time in years just recently. A better explanation of that line is that I did not feel neglected and tempered to the edge to the point where I have to retaliate.
3. The first portion takes place since the year started, the second portion takes place within a minute. Just imagine.
-naokai/bkaii (photo by puremystery)
Reference
Underwater Thoughts: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/85429.html
-Version K-: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/87025.html
Gloomy: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/97360.html |
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| Married... With Children |
[Jul. 23rd, 2009|12:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Passion Pit - Sleepyhead (Emil & Friends rework) | ] |
I think it's remarkable how long legacies last, like how family traits come along. Because whoever came from my house led different lifestyles without role models. And we all pretty much separated from each other with no thoughts of returning, except me. I hate hearing how someone did something amazing with their families, because that's non-existent in mine. I also hate seeing television programs and movies where the families look as strong as a rock where no chance of it being thrown. I always have to convince myself that it's not real, because I could see that a large majority of those families try to imitate that lifestyle. I recently got back into watching the TV-sitcom classic Married... With Children. Where a family so dysfunctional can somehow end up sticking together at the end (in a comedic way). It's not that I want to be laughed at, but I wish my family had a way to make it work at the end versus making it miserable for the next person. African-American families are known to stick together, through thick and thin. But if that family is broken up in the beginning then there's no chance of them linking back together later on. My family broke apart 10 years ago, and it hasn't been the same ever since. My mother seems to be the same throughout all these years, I don't know how. Is it foolish of me to keep wishing that my family would stick more like how it was before? For me to be an adult and to making these childish wishes, is that wrong of me? If so, let me tell you this... the last time we as a family were together as one was at my grandmother's funeral. It took a family members death to bring as back for 2 hours, now tell me I'm childish to think this way.
Notes
1. My mother recently retrieved this photo some time ago, I don't know how old I was (assuming 2 or 3 years of age). It was found like this, the extra grainy look (distortion) was not added or photoshopped for this entry.
2. The photo was originally used for a father's day entry, but my father's day was spend with someone else (not saying name) whose father is not in the picture as well.
3. "Sleepyhead" was a song I randomly found during my grandmothers last days. I wasn't too fond of the song or the lyrics, but I kept listening to it because the title reminded me of her. She kept saying "I'm so tired, I'm so sleepy" in this hopeless voice that you ached your heart. It also made me write this entry more easily because it reminded me of that time we were all together around her passing.
4. Title of this entry is copyrighted, who cares? (besides Sony)
-naokai/bkaii |
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| The Polygamy of Musique - Man in the Mirror |
[Jul. 6th, 2009|09:00 pm] |
His death was a absolute THRILLER, it brought chills through my body. A STATE OF SHOCK. I couldn't dig the fact that he was actually gone. An important piece of musical HISTORY has passed? Absolute HEARTBREAKER, was he GONE TOO SOON? It's hard to be INVINCIBLE when the way you put yourself to sleep is DANGEROUS. I mean, he's the person during most of our CHILDHOOD knew his name before our ABC's. And it's hard for me because he was a big part of my life, his MUSIC & ME have always been JUST GOOD FRIENDS. He would basically tell how feelings are like before you even feel them yourself. I REMEMBER THE TIME he used to tell me about his friend BEN, this crazy girl named DIRTY DIANA, another obsessed fan named BILLIE JEAN, but also how he fell for a girl he called DANCING MACHINE in which he said was "THE LADY IN MY LIFE" Wonderful storytelling, you could feel the emotion in everything he said. I'm sure millions upon millions miss him, saying "I WANT YOU BACK" and "I CAN'T GET READY FOR LOSING YOU", but it's HUMAN NATURE to CRY. As long as you remember his legacy then you'll never feel THREATENED. WORKIN' DAY AND NIGHT to make us SMILE. Even though he always felt like a STRANGER IN MOSCOW, never had PRIVACY since the media always WANNA BE STARTIN' SOMETHING. He would always SCREAM saying "THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT US" and to just LEAVE ME ALONE, it's sad that TABLOID JUNKIE never listened until now. I'm going miss when girls would have BUTTERFLIES say that they wanted to ROCK WITH YOU saying "YOU ROCKED MY WORLD", I don't know how he would make every girl in the world feel like a P.Y.T. (PRETTY YOUNG THING). A SMOOTH CRIMINAL, but always a lover not a fighter. ANOTHER PART OF ME loved his music so much that it made me live life OFF THE WALL, DON'T STOP TIL' YOU GET ENOUGH he used to always say. I had a epiphany last night, I heard him ask me "WILL YOU BE THERE?" I told him, "I'LL BE THERE. I GOT TO BE THERE." Because when I see the MAN IN THE MIRROR, you make me feel UNBREAKABLE. Thank you for being part of my life.
-naokai/bkaii (photo by puremystery)
PrizMatic reMix - Off The Wall - http://puremystery.livejournal.com/89686.html |
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| Guilt |
[Jul. 6th, 2009|12:00 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | hate-love | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | moody | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Michael Jackson - Threatened | ] |
How do you know when you've gone too far? Then again how do you know when they have gone too far? How do you know when you have been pushed so far that you had to take action? I always thought of myself as a patient person, but does it easily wear thin? Every time I retaliate to someone I get this enormous weight of guilt pushed against me, is it my fault? Even when I speak my mind whenever I feel disrespected or neglected it seems like there's always room for more weight coming my way. How much patience should a person really have? And when is the best time to defend yourself? I have had 2 incidents on where I had to defend myself, both females, both on first impressions. I tried my absolute best to make them feel at home around me, but for some unknown reason they were being so difficult. Apparently, my presentation didn't cut it but for our sake please do not put me through a trial. I put up as much as I could for a few hours until I had to put my foot down and say "enough is enough!". I tried to put to the side as much as I could, but at this point it didn't cut it. I had told these girls about how I REALLY felt about them, about how I ran out of patience for their immaturity and instead of apologizing, they retaliated. When these tried to stand their ground, they forgot that I had a bigger voice. I told them the absolute truth, I told them what was on my mind, without cussing them out. And these girls stood there and took it, without anything else to say. They cried instead of apologizing, stubbornness to the highest level. Nobody else gave a helping hand to them for support, unfortunately their friends felt the same way too. After seeing them cry and making them realize how wrong/alone they were, I couldn't shake the feeling then to ask myself... did I go too far? I do not purposely mean for them to cry intentionally, but alot of times reality checks hurt. I think about how I reacted and it makes me the villain. But if I think about what they did, then they deserved it. I know some girls like to play hard to get with other boys, but when it comes to being friends should that even apply? The way how I spoke the truth to these girls tore them apart so much that they want nothing to do with me. Do I deserve it? Maybe if I called you a bitch, but I was wise enough to speak to you with deleting that word out of my vocabulary while speaking to you. Their hatred is undeniably a waste of energy, back track that night and put yourself in my shoes. Remember, to become a dunce around your vicinity makes it that much harder on us as it is on yourself. I hate to make girls cry (hate me) over me being truthful, that's how the game is played right? Says who?
-naokai/bkaii |
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| The Polygamy of Musique - The Day The World Stood Still |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|02:45 pm] |
Where were you on June 25th 2009 approx. 3:00pm? I had just found out that Charlie's Angel original Farrah Fawcett passes away and I told myself that the world lost a beautiful face. Within minutes, I receive a phone call asking if I was watching the news, I assumed that he was talking about Farrah, but until he said Michael Jackson died... My whole world just froze. Time instantly stopped, everything around me paused. I did not expect to hear this words for another 20 years or so. What just happened? Did the King of Pop pass away? My head instantly became cluttered with disbelief until I heard my name another 2 times and then I was back in reality. The caller told me everything he could gather up so far and I still nothing to say. What can you say after you find out that the King of Pop had just passed away? Every single one of us had a connection with Michael Jackson, no better no worse. He struck us all in a different way, but in the end it was the same feeling. I haven't seen people together as one like this since 9/11. The day before his death, I had the unsuspecting urge to play Justice's "D.A.N.C.E." and some odd reason it felt so good to hear it, as if it was my first time hearing it again. I personally didn't think this day would come for another 20 years. It felt like just yesterday he was not guilty for the child molestation charges. I always told myself that once he would leave us that the world would freeze, I'll be damned I was right. No words can express how I feel, I have not cried about this yet but my emotions are so mixed that I'm stuck. It left us speechless, because you think that a person like him could never die... he's that invincible. Within the first 24 hours of his death, I have had people hug me and talk to me as if I was related to Jackson. I don't know when I became the voice for Jackson, but he was as important to the next person as he was to me. That's what so special about Mike, he became apart of your soul. That's why I said that he struck all of us differently, either way we all feel the same. Michael knew that we loved him, but even words cannot define how much he will be missed. If you want to cry, sing. If you're still upset about this, remember how he made you feel and you'll be OK. We all wanted to be like him at one point, now is your time to show him. He makes you feel good at one point, and you know it so show it. We lost a legend, but you could just imagine how far his legacy will go. Seeing him was like watching The Truman Show of music. Michael Jackson, thank you for everything. Thank you for apart of my life as well as everybody else. Music will never be the same.
-naokai/bkaii
Michael Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009 |
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| Shine |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|09:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hmm.... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Daft Punk - Fresh | ] |
Isn't it such a great feeling when you get your moment to shine? That moment where you get to do what you do best as a way for showcasing or setting a milestone in your life. Where all the dedication that you put your heart into whatever you are trying to accomplish turns into appreciation. Appreciation that only you show to those you support, and appreciation to those who support you. I participated in two events back-to-back that made me feel unmotivated to those I came for. A graduation and a musical event, family and friends alike. Seeing those accomplished what they desired was a great feeling, but why did I feel absent? Because I never get the same push or result as they do. I very much credit these people for taking their goals to the next level, I really do. I just can't put myself in the same place. Friends (fans) came from distances to see the musician and show they love and wish him luck for what he was about to do. I pulled myself to the side so I could see what I never had, alot of support. I had given up on myself on a few things because I didn't feel like I was appreciated at it anymore. And I ignore it, I try not to think it but it's hard to when the next person gets worlds attention for doing something much more minimal then what you had put your effort into originally. I know I'm not crazy, and I don't know why it bothers me so much. I don't know if I want acknowledgment or just attention, I don't think it's either. I just want to be able to fall knowing that someone is willing to give me a hand, lately it hasn't felt like it. I congratulate those whose events I attended in where the people made them feel like they were somebody. After the show, The musician thanked me personally for being there since day one, and I appreciated him for saying that. It's just a shame that I have nobody to say that to that would make a impact on them, bummer.
-naokai/bkaii |
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| Robin's Reckoning: Shaded Year |
[May. 27th, 2009|10:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejected | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fat Jon - Just Breathe (Conscience) | ] |
Have you ever had to fight ghosts before? They're around you and they torment you when you try to forget them. There cruel actions sticks to you as if they could they could leave scars. It's unnatural but not supernatural. You see, these ghosts that I'm talking about are real people, real people that are afraid to look at me face to face, but have no fear in doing or saying things behind your back to haunt you. People that brought me pain in my past, so unbarring that it's created grudges. And people don't like to be around me sometimes because I carry so much weight on my shoulders, but trust me.. it won't let go. As if I was crazy, put yourself into my shoes and tell me I'm lying. If you cannot talk to me in person, then I can't see you standing up to anything else in life. It's just sad to see that these were "friends" at one point. You know what's the worst part about having friends sometimes? They know how to push your buttons. And in this case, it's harder to keep them then to make things right again. Which is part of the reason why I hold grudges, because the situation is preventable. I have personally noticed that my trust towards a number of people have dropped dramatically as of last year, so was my number of friends. After a couple specific incidents, I kept myself isolated from a large number of people. These incidents brought a darker side of me that I had no control over, a demon you could say. Their only action towards me was physically abusive, which made my rage grow even more. Afraid to work things out but not hesitant to talk negatively about me to those I am close, telling them is like telling me. I was approached to this because of the fact that they did not appreciate/approve on what they were saying about me. They told the ghosts to stop this charade and work things out, but they preferred to strike back with their own style of justice. People forget that when you talk shit about people, it comes back to you. If I ever talked shit about someone, I would have no problem to tell them up front, especially after this. But rather then making enemies, I'll keep it to myself since nobody wants to listen anyway. Why am I always so stuck on the past? Maybe it's because those people pretend like I don't exist, especially when I'm in front of them. But instead of defending themselves, they turn invisible and pretend like I don't see them. What kind of shit is that? Oh well, I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore, apology is out of the question, for them to admit they were wrong will never happen. Why would people make the situation worse rather then stop and realize "I was wrong"? That's what I do. I never act upon instinct, because I care about how people feel, I don't know why I still do but I do. My heart won't let me brought pain upon others, I wish they did the same. Different strokes for different folks, oh well. But do not pretend like I do not see you, don't forget how vulnerable you are.
NOTES
1. Ghosts = Friends
2. During one of the incident that someone was talking about me to one of my friends, they referred to me as "The Grudge" monster.
-naokai/bkaii
Reference
Robin's Reckoning: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/62824.html
One Year Later: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/83971.html
The Five Steps on Losing Friends: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/96683.html |
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| The Agony of Winning |
[May. 12th, 2009|07:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Capcom - Street Fighter IV - Theme of Gouki Vs. Ryu | ] |
I have never had this much fun playing a fighting game since I got into Street Fighter IV. To be perfectly honest, I haven't had this much fun since Rival Schools. I remember playing Street Fighter II as a kid with my brother a lot, and losing to him all the time made me the better player that I am today. I don't stick to one character, but I do have a favorite. After 800+ online battles, I have lost more then 500. Some might think it's pathetic, but I see it as a way to learn. It's also because of the ambition/objective on playing styles, because they HAVE to win by any means necessary. I don't think you could learn anything by winning constantly. That being said, I hate fighting people who feel that they're better then others, and to have the decency to push you about it. That being said, someone keeps bugging Paris to play them in SFIV, knowing that she's not better then him. My philosophy was: "Why is it so important to play people that's not better then you?". Other then to boost up your wind or your confidence, I couldn't see it no other way. After she told me how aggressive and repetitive his play style was, I had agree to fight him so he could stop playing her. I had played him before, but he was just starting. But after 2 months of not playing him, he had improved, but his spirit of winning gets really ugly. His play style was aggressive and only intended on winning, by any means necessary. I don't care about winning, but I do care about poor sportsmanship. 20 Matches, 11 - 9, he won. This happened after the fight:
( The Bully )
-naokai/bkaii |
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| The Polygamy of Musique - B.E.A.T. |
[May. 1st, 2009|12:30 am] |
2 years ago I was introduced to Ed Banger Records, a record label ran by Daft Punk's manager Pedro (Busy P) Winter. I had heard of them before, just couldn't get into them. About a year prior I had heard of a group called Justice, who people claim to be "the next Daft Punk". After "Waters of Nazareth", I didn't believe it. But after Phantom, I could see it. Mix (sans serif) had given me Justice's new D.A.N.C.E. EP, so I figure let me get into it now before it now. Ridiculously catchy, but it didn't have that distrortion that Phantom/Waters. Also on the EP was B.E.A.T., a rougher more signatured version of D.A.N.C.E., now this was remixing your own material done right. I don't know what it was, but something about this song made me HOOKED, if you had to tell me that Justice was going to be the next Daft Punk at the time then I would believe it. Something about the beats and the distrortion came together made the song flawless to me. A week after the EP was released, Mix and I attended a show featuring members of the Ed Rec family. Justice made a last minute appearance to this show, after about 3 hours of nonstop music, I had met and learned everything I needed to know about what peoplr call French music today. Towards the end the night before we called it a night, we had heard the acapella of D.A.N.C.E., and I anxiously waited to hear if they were going to play it. And they did! They played B.E.A.T. Live!! I was so happy I couldn't move (literally, it was crammed and I was ready to lay down). After that, I couldn't wait for the album and for future shows. But that went away after I found out that Justice replaced B.E.A.T. with a remixed version of a remix that MSTRKRFT did of D.A.N.C.E. (read it slowly if you got lost), and I was not fond of the new live version that Justice used from then on. D.A.N.C.E. went on to be the hottest thing in the planet on 2007 next to Daft Punk's tour, nobody knew that it was about Michael Jackson until way later. Justice went on to conquer the world with this song, followed by a number of remixes, a live album and a movie that had no moral to the story. After everything that they have brought out, B.E.A.T. still stands victoriously to me. I play it during most (if not all) of my DJ Sets with prizm. Amazes me how only a handful of folks heard of this song, I hope it stays that way. I still love this song for some strange reason, probably because I know how to "stick to the B.E.A.T."
Mix and I was there witness this in person. This marks the first (and last) time that I have heard B.E.A.T. live. I believe that this is the last time that B.E.A.T. was played live before the new remix became popular. The footage was recorded by me, without knowing that the song was going to be played.
-naokai/bkaii |
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| Photographer's Block: Progress |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|01:30 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | photography | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | yay? | ] |
| [ | music |
| | TSUNKU/Nintendo - Rhythm Tengoku Gold: Burning Cameraman | ] |
(Still not sure if anybody cares) I know I haven't posted any pictures in the last 5 months, but please keep in mind that I'm trying to explore different areas of photography. I'm doing more experimental work with professional lighting, but with others, not with myself. I'm getting some results, but I'm not used to studio lighting. I like it, but I don't want to abuse it, I'm more into natural lighting. I'm improving (sort of), but I still need to work on myself for a bit. I haven't done that yet what so ever. But here you go:
( The Progress )
Notes
1. The studio shots was NOT used by my camera, but they were done by me.
2. EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST PHOTO, these shots are in order by date.
3. None of these shots have been altered, changed, photoshopped, or re-sized. I did not use my previous camera for any of these shots.
-naokai/bkaii
Reference
Imaginary Audience's Applause: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/100115.html
Going Pro: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/100897.html
Living the Pro-Life: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/101647.html
Motivated Days: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/102294.html
Process: http://bkaii.livejournal.com/104297.html |
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| First entry... 5th Anniversary |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|10:34 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | annual | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | surprised | ] |
| [ | music |
| | J Dilla - The Diff'rence | ] |
"This is my first entry. I'd rather do it, for those who care about reading and shit. But who knows."
After high school, I wasn't too sure how my life would turn out to be. Without no set careers or life time plan in mind, I didn't know how life would turn out to be. I had ideas, but no goals. I had gotten into Live Journal because I wanted to document my life and for what events may occur in the near future. A place to express my myself with photography for a visual version or a further meaning to what I'm saying. A place where I could speak my mind without being ridiculed, and say anything that I want. I try to not to use it as a place to rant, but a place to vent. Without pointing fingers and calling out of their name. I did not expect people to follow up on what I say at times, because I know for a fact that not everybody can relate to what I say. I was never looking for attention, but somehow I manage to be heard. But when I do become heard, I just hope somewhere along the lines that it would be a learning experience. Not also for me, but for yourself as well to see yourself in a different perspective. These past 5 years have also been a bumpy road, but it also helped me to find myself through everything I've been through during that time. From my hardest times to my most happiest moments, something about always has to be expressed, that has always my mission for myself. I told myself that I might retire around my 5th year, but after I realized how fast these 5 years have gone by I'm extending it. As long as I have a way to keep myself from being bottled-up or open minded, I will keep writing. To those who have been following or keeping up with my work, I hope these past 5 years have been eventful and I will try to give you that tradition going. And lastly... THANK YOU.
-naokai/bkaii (photo by Felix) |
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| The Hardest March |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|10:00 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | anti-drug, hate-love | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Passion Pit - Sleepyhead (Emil & Friends Reworking) | ] |
It's hard to believe that the year isn't even half over and yet I'm afraid to see how the rest of the year is going to turn out like. With having 2 family deaths back to back, who could? By having my grands passing away on my dad's side of the family, I felt like I should reconnect with the side of the family that I rarily kept in contact with. During my grandmothers last days, I saw her as much as I could, and the family knew that. Regretably speaking, I had the impression that I reconnect with my family during this time of need, even though they felt it was my fault that I was never around. Around the time of my grandmmothers death, the family seemed stuck without directon, and I was more then willing to help out as much as I can, and they wanted it too. But somehow, after the funeral I tried to keep in contact with my folks and guess what? Nobody responds. They asked me to stay in touch and they let it go. I'm doing what the next person would do during a time of death, and it feels like they don't want. I don't know why this hurts so bad. Maybe it's because I'm being rejected by my own family, was it bad timing on when I was trying to reconnect? I know this is my family's worst time right now, but I think they forgot that Im hurting too. I tried to connect with them because I didn't with my grandmother, and that's my fault too. But by me feeling this neglect feels like it's being thrown back in my face. This is why I'm keeping this to myself, because if my family doesn't want to listen, then who would?
Notes
1. Written one month after receiving the deadline on her life.
-naokai/bkaii |
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